This is a long weekends. Friday was a holiday. Therefore all in all three days off from work. Really intended to read up some FDA documentation and the book on knowledge management. However I could not. My thoughts swirl around him.

Why? Why? Why? Spin in my head.
What had happened?

I thought speaking to him would put a full stop between us and start a beautiful friendship. It didn’t.

Dialogue with him made me very angry. Every word he said contradict each other. I could not understand. Nor could I accept it. So I ended the conversation even thought he seem to have some more to say. What is there to say? He is now attached. He is too busy to even maintain our friendship. What is there to say any more? It seem like I am the one who should move on. May be so…

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THE ONE?

What is THE ONE? I have been thinking I would like to find the one. But seriously what is THE ONE? Is mum and dad THE ONE for each other?

If yes, why did it ended up like this?
If not why are they married all these years?

So what is THE ONE?

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I would like to understand what is a love relationship. This page of my life is quite blank. How to fill it? In the end, I might or might not find THE ONE. But I do want to understand.

Got a book from Popular Bookshop. It is about love and relationship. The book says: To find love, we need to find our self first. It is about understanding what are we, what are our uniqueness, what we can offer in a relationship and what we look for in a relationship then can we find THE ONE.

Every fails relationship will hurt. However, through time, it will heal and sever as a source of growth for us. Using the experiences to make the next relationship a better one. Every relationship is a learning experience.

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Have being looking for answer high and low. Why? Why? Why?

Watched the Japanese Drama pass to me by Li Ting – Hotaru no Hikari

It was a very nice show. It is about a girl who is clueless about love, then she fall in love and out of love. It is a learning process for her, so is it for me. I did not watch it for the romance. Rather I was looking for answer.

Did I find my answer?

No not really. However, I did learn.

May be some answer as to why my parents fail marriage. For something to fail, you could have thousands of reasons. And I believed there are. But some of these some reasons I found could be the breakage of the relationship – No conversation… No proper spoken words for the emotion they felt. All they have had are pent up within and when it exposed – very strong hurting words were used.

Then again it was silence. Then it ended.

I don’t want my relationship to end up like them.
I seriously do not wish it to be like that.

Back to Hotaru no Hikari…

Below are what I learned:-

"No matter what kind of love it is, it’s up to the person how to make use of that experience.

You can make as many detours to arrive at your final destination."

"He is someone who I can show my bad side. It is not a heart-beating type of love, but being with make me at ease."

"By falling in love with you…
I could change by a bit… Just a little bit(for the better)."

"True, she is clueless about love, but she has a mind of her own.
She did say she’ll decide by herself if she is happy or not."

"Gretagarco once said: Of all the tings I have seen so far, the most beautiful sight has been an old couple walking arm in arm."

"Nietzsche also said: Life as husband and wife is like long conversation. Without words, there will be no understanding. Emotion will not be understood till spoken."

"This is your chance. Isn’t this a great opportunity for you?
This is your last chance to be in a bad love relationship, rather then an easy friendship."

"If one lets out all these feelings but isn’t accepted, it will remain in the heart as a horrible wound.

But you are still young. Even if it’s a horrible experience, don’t you think it’s better then nothing?"

"You fell in love with someone, treasure that feeling.
Treasure yourself for being able to love somebody.
Feeling can not be understood till spoken."

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Long time ago, I congratulate myself for not having the troubles and tortures of love when I listen to my friends’ troubled relationships. As time goes by, I realized that something is very wrong as I could not love someone naturally. I ponder and try. It hurts but I am glad I try.

It is a learning process; I wish to continue all my life. It is because, even after finding THE ONE, after marriage it will still be a learning process.

At least this page will not be blank.